On the subject of freinds.
Feb. 20th, 2005 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matrix4bToday, I have finnally had time to post since my last one. Computer access is something I need to fix. I just haven't had time to put my computer back together again.
Anyway, Occasionally I pull my head up out of the sand and realize that I don't have too many freinds. Usually about 4-5 freinds at a time. Not all of them have much time themselves to do things.
It must be noted that this is also a raw and unrefined post, sort of stream of conciousness and knee jerk reactions that are still knee jerking from a few weeks ago.
It all started with a silly little fight. A fight that pointed out things that were not good. The fight was a bit inconsequential as it was based solely on a missunderstanding. When misunderstandings are were your strife comes from you can get several realizations. Here is my view and not my wifes.
I touched base with a freind to see how things lay as far as the fight was conserned and in my own diplomatic emersary way I try to "fix the situation" or at least get the lay of the land so that the parties that fought can talk to each other. Timing and all of that. I do what I can to have as little conflict in my life as possible. Others call this as me reducing "Drama" in my life.
So I find out that even though the freind blew up at my wife because she was too quick to try and talk to him that my wife must go to him. Hmm. Ok, I am also told that My help is not required and will only hinder any sort of future comunications. Fine. I try to resolve this in myself. I try to deal with the fact that as far as helping out my wife, whom I care about deeply and a freind whom I cared about as well and considered a close freind, that I am useless. I can only agravate things. Sigh. I hate not being able to help. So the only thing left for me to do is see where I stand with this freind.
I asked. And get told that I am not his friend but a mear aquantence. After 3 years or more of close association and doing my best to be a friend, I find out that I am not thought of as a freind. Ouch. He then goes on to tell me that he thought that as a condition of having a relationship that he was required to be my friend. This was never discussed in my or my wifes mind. Mutual respect yes, friendship no. This is even a double ouch. I find out that someone that I feel have been friends with for a good solid 3 years has based that friendship initially on a requirement that did not exist. To some this means that the friendship is based on a lie and is not a real freindship. To me though based on a misinturptation it could have been a valid friendship. I do try to hope for the best out of everyone. To continue, the "Aquantence" as that is how he describes himself goes on and tells me that there are several things about me that just drive him up the wall. I being a cuirous person ask what they are, He refuses to tell me and goes on to tell me that he can't tell me as he believes that I would change myself just for him and not myself. He states that he does not want me to change just for him. Ok, Things are getting harder for me to deal with. Massive frustration. I try to push forward and ask if he is intrested in being my friend going forward. He tells me that he does not know if he wants that.
This leaves me in a limbo situation and one or two friends deminished as I cannot call him a friend now that I know how he feels. Quite honestly there comes a point that people are too busy for friendship and I feel that that is the case. Fine, I fade into the back ground. I am also somewhat upset that I lost a friend, the friendship was started on a false premis, and that friend is taking a very superior attitude with me and essentially telling me that his is better than me. Ok, not truly the case but you get the idea. Combine this with my wifes current problems in communicating, or lack of comunication, and association with a family. I must say that this is all fucked up and today this has depressed me greatly as I am a person that enjoys friendships and truely wants more of them.
Also, as with the previous social circle post, Being cut out of a circle of friends is not a happy thing. This apears to be the case when mutual freinds, not all of them, do not return phone calls. As I stated in an earlier post that this can happen without any effort on the part of the originating 2 that had problems with each other.
This is all messed up and I am currently keeping my mouth shut (as far as an active presence) for fear of it will come out as "Can't we just all get along." and then getting nailed to a tree for it. I have already been told once that my help will only serve to agrivate and complicate the situation and keep my nose out of it thankyou very much.
This all leaves me rather depressed.
Well, that is all for now.
Laters
Dave
Anyway, Occasionally I pull my head up out of the sand and realize that I don't have too many freinds. Usually about 4-5 freinds at a time. Not all of them have much time themselves to do things.
It must be noted that this is also a raw and unrefined post, sort of stream of conciousness and knee jerk reactions that are still knee jerking from a few weeks ago.
It all started with a silly little fight. A fight that pointed out things that were not good. The fight was a bit inconsequential as it was based solely on a missunderstanding. When misunderstandings are were your strife comes from you can get several realizations. Here is my view and not my wifes.
I touched base with a freind to see how things lay as far as the fight was conserned and in my own diplomatic emersary way I try to "fix the situation" or at least get the lay of the land so that the parties that fought can talk to each other. Timing and all of that. I do what I can to have as little conflict in my life as possible. Others call this as me reducing "Drama" in my life.
So I find out that even though the freind blew up at my wife because she was too quick to try and talk to him that my wife must go to him. Hmm. Ok, I am also told that My help is not required and will only hinder any sort of future comunications. Fine. I try to resolve this in myself. I try to deal with the fact that as far as helping out my wife, whom I care about deeply and a freind whom I cared about as well and considered a close freind, that I am useless. I can only agravate things. Sigh. I hate not being able to help. So the only thing left for me to do is see where I stand with this freind.
I asked. And get told that I am not his friend but a mear aquantence. After 3 years or more of close association and doing my best to be a friend, I find out that I am not thought of as a freind. Ouch. He then goes on to tell me that he thought that as a condition of having a relationship that he was required to be my friend. This was never discussed in my or my wifes mind. Mutual respect yes, friendship no. This is even a double ouch. I find out that someone that I feel have been friends with for a good solid 3 years has based that friendship initially on a requirement that did not exist. To some this means that the friendship is based on a lie and is not a real freindship. To me though based on a misinturptation it could have been a valid friendship. I do try to hope for the best out of everyone. To continue, the "Aquantence" as that is how he describes himself goes on and tells me that there are several things about me that just drive him up the wall. I being a cuirous person ask what they are, He refuses to tell me and goes on to tell me that he can't tell me as he believes that I would change myself just for him and not myself. He states that he does not want me to change just for him. Ok, Things are getting harder for me to deal with. Massive frustration. I try to push forward and ask if he is intrested in being my friend going forward. He tells me that he does not know if he wants that.
This leaves me in a limbo situation and one or two friends deminished as I cannot call him a friend now that I know how he feels. Quite honestly there comes a point that people are too busy for friendship and I feel that that is the case. Fine, I fade into the back ground. I am also somewhat upset that I lost a friend, the friendship was started on a false premis, and that friend is taking a very superior attitude with me and essentially telling me that his is better than me. Ok, not truly the case but you get the idea. Combine this with my wifes current problems in communicating, or lack of comunication, and association with a family. I must say that this is all fucked up and today this has depressed me greatly as I am a person that enjoys friendships and truely wants more of them.
Also, as with the previous social circle post, Being cut out of a circle of friends is not a happy thing. This apears to be the case when mutual freinds, not all of them, do not return phone calls. As I stated in an earlier post that this can happen without any effort on the part of the originating 2 that had problems with each other.
This is all messed up and I am currently keeping my mouth shut (as far as an active presence) for fear of it will come out as "Can't we just all get along." and then getting nailed to a tree for it. I have already been told once that my help will only serve to agrivate and complicate the situation and keep my nose out of it thankyou very much.
This all leaves me rather depressed.
Well, that is all for now.
Laters
Dave
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 06:30 pm (UTC)I love you hun, and I am sorry that you have been hurt by this.
Love
Me
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 07:46 pm (UTC)Robert
divided by a common language
Date: 2005-02-20 11:32 pm (UTC)A friend is someone I know very well, and with whom I feel free to be absolutely myself without having to worry that what I say or do will be taken the wrong way. A friend is someone that I know will help if I need it and they possibly can. (I don't include me helping them in my definition - not because I wouldn't but because I'd help a total stranger if they needed it and I could.) I've got about 4 of those myself, and I consider myself very lucky.
Now a friendly acquaintance is someone I enjoy hanging out with. It should go without saying that I respect them and find them interesting. I have perhaps a dozen of those, at least a couple of whom have serious "friend" potential - but I don't feel I know them well enough.
Incidentally, I don't know that I'd even call you an acquaintance; we haven't exactly met, and I don't assume I can "know" someone just from the internet. But from the little I know, I'd hazard the conjecture that you have serious friend potential.
While I have too much of a tendency to let things lie rather than risk stirring up trouble, I do like to resolve things in an objective way. I believe that most problems are the result of miscommunication and can be resolved in an environment of rationality and respect. I do hate it when I can't do anything about a problem, especially when someone I love is hurting and I'm basically told to stay out of it.
To get through it, I make an effort to be mindful that what's going on with them is about them and not me, and that I have faith that their higher self is guiding and protecting them with more wisdom than I could possibly have - that we are each on the perfect path from who we are to who we are becoming. Even them telling me off is part of that path. I have to celebrate that for them, even if it's not my way, if I wouldn't choose that way, even if I don't understand it at all. (Which is not to say I believe those things; just that it helps me get through the tough parts to behave as if I believe those things. For all I know, they could be doing something evil and destructive, or there might be no point and no pattern to anything. I just like myself better playing it the other way.)
A "mere" acquaintance.
Date: 2005-02-21 04:47 pm (UTC)Do not see it as a failing in yourself that the person responds to you as an "acquaintance." I think there are more subtleties in the relationship than the word adequately expresses (particularly as that, yes, I know and have known who was meant.)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-22 03:47 am (UTC)