Many things happeing
Apr. 9th, 2006 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matrix4bGeneral Update.
Well, I got maried to a wonderful woman who loves me and cares for me. I also am a new homeowner as I got a bonus from my work in August that was sufficent of a down payment and things are a strech but we can do it. So Work and home life are good. Emotionally I am in a weird place at the moment.
Please pardon me for all that I refrence here as it may be personal information. I wont mention names. This is also just me downloading feelings so that I can deal and sort.
I have said that I am a polyamorous person for many reasons. One is that love should never be limited. We humans do not have a quantity of love to give out and when we give it all out it is gone. Love is not something you can quantify into any given amount. It just is. There are sevearal types of love and the love of one person can blend over to many types of love at the same time. I also have never fallen out of love, but that's an issue for another time. The reason why I have lost my gelosy (spelled wrong) about another man making love or loving my wife or another person that I love in that way is that I see that it is still love that my loved one is receiving. I wish happiness for those that I love and if another person can make someone I love happy then great. If they love me then they will still love me and they need to realize that our love is not deminished by this other person. Rather enhanced. You see even though there is no quantity of love when you share love and happiness you get more out of it. What is the saying, "Happiness shared is happiness doubled and pain shared is pain halfed." I truely belive this.
Another reason that I am polyamorous is that I cannot justify treating my loved one as an object or posession. If I really love them then I cannot limit the love that they receive to just me. It seems very selfish to me. It also seems silly to want to stop another potential. I want everything good for those I love. It seems simple and the complacated part is that I need love to and from my primary relationship should be able to request priority. And if she loves me then that is not a problem.
My wife has flattered me by saying at a party that I was the one that has taught her the true meaning of love or true love. If I can teach it to those that don't truely know then I think that is wonderful. But the best way to teach is to live the learning. In all of the people that I love, I try to make the love true. Not to say that it is a True Love. This animial is rare and somewhat mythical. I do not belive that their is one true love for a person. This to me is a silly concept. I feel that people are kind of like diffrent musical scores or passages. (At least one such analogy, I have many others.) Give this one musical passage is beautiful and can harmonize with many others. The combined sound can be quite wonderful. This experience is love. So each love is by definition diffrent. One might be a clash with a soft note to even it out. Another might be two nearly identical sounds that broadcast and emphansize even more loudly when combined. And another might be high points and low points that delicitly blend together seamlessly like it was made that way. The astetic may go any way. This is how love and two people's love work. Other themes are blended in as a secondary relationship or a full partner for a short while. So love is diffrent each time and each time it blends with your life diffrently. Such is the song of hearts.
But I digress. My point is each love is diffrent and all love changes with the passage of time. Each is no less valid than the other. And I don't want to limit any loved one to contain their freedom and limit the love that they wish to experience. This is why I am polyamorous. We all are naturally and territorial/possession issues are what cloud the love and hurt others. Hate and Love are very close to one another.
Ok, Soap box away.
So what is going on in my life that I am compelled to give a long post like this?
Well, About 5 years ago I met and fell in love with my wife. She was a hurt soul from her previous relationships but in the end I proved to her that I love her and will hurt myself to keep her from getting hurt. I would never think of hurting her. We got handfasted about 3 years ago and maried last year on July 31st. Even before we got maried I showed her that I loved and trusted her enough that she could have a boyfriend other than me and a lover. Though it has always been tough for me to find someone that wants to be more than freinds with me, I was ok with it. She had her ups and downs in the relationship but I think the biggest frustration that she had was with me not having a girlfreind. She had no idea if she could handle it and treat it like I did her other relationship. Me, I don't get into relations casually. Freindship ususally comes first. An old selfdefense mechanism. So I did not have a girlfreind. Well recently I have become involved with a woman and wish to turn it into more of a relationship. This is a little difficult as she is moving soon and also is resuming another relationship with an old lover. So part time lover and freind it is. I stand ready to back away from the relationship and be just very good freinds with her if that is her wish. I cannot stand in the way of a possible primary relationship for her. If I did then that would imply to me that I did not love her and some sort of possession was her status. This could not be aloud to be even thought. I have fallen in love with her and realize that this has in no way diminished my love for my wife, even has enhanced it. My wife is ok with it and seems pleased that I love another as well. She is ever worried about my happieness. She also can see my love as someone not being the one loved and see it as the one loved at the same time. I think that this pleases her and shows that I love her anew. It is one thing to philosophize about polyamory and another thing to experience it. It was a wonderful suprise to me that my theories on the subject are correct and it all does blend together. It flows wonderfully. There are some bumps in it but that is to be expected.
So that situation is going on. Not to mention the fact that the new woman that I have fallen in love with is revitializing an old relationship with someone else. This feels weird but as I said, I want only happiness for you. She also does not yet have a primary relationship and getting one can increase her happiness. I cannot be an obsticle to happiness.
The other situation that has happened is that the prior lover/girlfriend to my wife has recently come back into my life. Only breifly last night. Not sure if the freindship will be continued. But, As I may have stated, I still love her as I cannot fall out of love. She was a freind before we became lovers. I still have verry little idea as to why she broke up with me. The thought at the time was that I was treating her as a trophy girl. Not something that I thought I was capable of. I just loved her and sometimes my love can seem like I am putting my loved on a pedistal. So my wife has pointed out. I have never thought of it that way. I just wanted happieness and to express my love. Well, The afore menioned girlfreind dumped me and started a new relationship that was not healthy. I could not watch it so I faded from her life. She broke up with me so I had no reason to believe that she would take my advise on this man. That and I still wanted her back. So I did the best thing that I thought I could for her. Faded from her life so as not to become a destructive influence. Who knows it may have worked out. I faded from her life because I loved her. (still do) So, she pops back up into my life last night and this re-awakens feelings in me that I put to rest. So I am in a position of Past, present, and future loves. Hence the weird feelings that I am in. Stopping this so I don't become broody.
The other thing that has happened in my life is I am a new homeowner. I recently purchased with my wife a large house for realitively inexpensive cost. Go me and my wife for good shopping. This is a neccessary thing if I am going to have children. I promised myself long ago, before my first lover even, that if I was going to have kids that I wanted to be a homeowner and in a stable fininacial position in life. I am somewhat financial stable and a homeowner now. This is good as my wife has said that she wants kids. Plural. Me I would be fine with one child. Personally, I don't care if I have kids or not. This to me is bringing a new life into this world and it scares me to no end that I would be responsible for this new life. My mom has already said that I would make a good dad, so I beleive that I will have a child. I am just getting my wife and I settled with our finances so that kids can become a reality. I worry about the costs involved in child raising too. Petty, I know in the face of being 1/2 responsible for a miricle but I want to do the best for all of my loved ones. A new life is a big step and babies scare me a bit as they can't talk to me and tell me what they want. So that is currently what is going on in my life. More to come later. Possibly.
Dave
Well, I got maried to a wonderful woman who loves me and cares for me. I also am a new homeowner as I got a bonus from my work in August that was sufficent of a down payment and things are a strech but we can do it. So Work and home life are good. Emotionally I am in a weird place at the moment.
Please pardon me for all that I refrence here as it may be personal information. I wont mention names. This is also just me downloading feelings so that I can deal and sort.
I have said that I am a polyamorous person for many reasons. One is that love should never be limited. We humans do not have a quantity of love to give out and when we give it all out it is gone. Love is not something you can quantify into any given amount. It just is. There are sevearal types of love and the love of one person can blend over to many types of love at the same time. I also have never fallen out of love, but that's an issue for another time. The reason why I have lost my gelosy (spelled wrong) about another man making love or loving my wife or another person that I love in that way is that I see that it is still love that my loved one is receiving. I wish happiness for those that I love and if another person can make someone I love happy then great. If they love me then they will still love me and they need to realize that our love is not deminished by this other person. Rather enhanced. You see even though there is no quantity of love when you share love and happiness you get more out of it. What is the saying, "Happiness shared is happiness doubled and pain shared is pain halfed." I truely belive this.
Another reason that I am polyamorous is that I cannot justify treating my loved one as an object or posession. If I really love them then I cannot limit the love that they receive to just me. It seems very selfish to me. It also seems silly to want to stop another potential. I want everything good for those I love. It seems simple and the complacated part is that I need love to and from my primary relationship should be able to request priority. And if she loves me then that is not a problem.
My wife has flattered me by saying at a party that I was the one that has taught her the true meaning of love or true love. If I can teach it to those that don't truely know then I think that is wonderful. But the best way to teach is to live the learning. In all of the people that I love, I try to make the love true. Not to say that it is a True Love. This animial is rare and somewhat mythical. I do not belive that their is one true love for a person. This to me is a silly concept. I feel that people are kind of like diffrent musical scores or passages. (At least one such analogy, I have many others.) Give this one musical passage is beautiful and can harmonize with many others. The combined sound can be quite wonderful. This experience is love. So each love is by definition diffrent. One might be a clash with a soft note to even it out. Another might be two nearly identical sounds that broadcast and emphansize even more loudly when combined. And another might be high points and low points that delicitly blend together seamlessly like it was made that way. The astetic may go any way. This is how love and two people's love work. Other themes are blended in as a secondary relationship or a full partner for a short while. So love is diffrent each time and each time it blends with your life diffrently. Such is the song of hearts.
But I digress. My point is each love is diffrent and all love changes with the passage of time. Each is no less valid than the other. And I don't want to limit any loved one to contain their freedom and limit the love that they wish to experience. This is why I am polyamorous. We all are naturally and territorial/possession issues are what cloud the love and hurt others. Hate and Love are very close to one another.
Ok, Soap box away.
So what is going on in my life that I am compelled to give a long post like this?
Well, About 5 years ago I met and fell in love with my wife. She was a hurt soul from her previous relationships but in the end I proved to her that I love her and will hurt myself to keep her from getting hurt. I would never think of hurting her. We got handfasted about 3 years ago and maried last year on July 31st. Even before we got maried I showed her that I loved and trusted her enough that she could have a boyfriend other than me and a lover. Though it has always been tough for me to find someone that wants to be more than freinds with me, I was ok with it. She had her ups and downs in the relationship but I think the biggest frustration that she had was with me not having a girlfreind. She had no idea if she could handle it and treat it like I did her other relationship. Me, I don't get into relations casually. Freindship ususally comes first. An old selfdefense mechanism. So I did not have a girlfreind. Well recently I have become involved with a woman and wish to turn it into more of a relationship. This is a little difficult as she is moving soon and also is resuming another relationship with an old lover. So part time lover and freind it is. I stand ready to back away from the relationship and be just very good freinds with her if that is her wish. I cannot stand in the way of a possible primary relationship for her. If I did then that would imply to me that I did not love her and some sort of possession was her status. This could not be aloud to be even thought. I have fallen in love with her and realize that this has in no way diminished my love for my wife, even has enhanced it. My wife is ok with it and seems pleased that I love another as well. She is ever worried about my happieness. She also can see my love as someone not being the one loved and see it as the one loved at the same time. I think that this pleases her and shows that I love her anew. It is one thing to philosophize about polyamory and another thing to experience it. It was a wonderful suprise to me that my theories on the subject are correct and it all does blend together. It flows wonderfully. There are some bumps in it but that is to be expected.
So that situation is going on. Not to mention the fact that the new woman that I have fallen in love with is revitializing an old relationship with someone else. This feels weird but as I said, I want only happiness for you. She also does not yet have a primary relationship and getting one can increase her happiness. I cannot be an obsticle to happiness.
The other situation that has happened is that the prior lover/girlfriend to my wife has recently come back into my life. Only breifly last night. Not sure if the freindship will be continued. But, As I may have stated, I still love her as I cannot fall out of love. She was a freind before we became lovers. I still have verry little idea as to why she broke up with me. The thought at the time was that I was treating her as a trophy girl. Not something that I thought I was capable of. I just loved her and sometimes my love can seem like I am putting my loved on a pedistal. So my wife has pointed out. I have never thought of it that way. I just wanted happieness and to express my love. Well, The afore menioned girlfreind dumped me and started a new relationship that was not healthy. I could not watch it so I faded from her life. She broke up with me so I had no reason to believe that she would take my advise on this man. That and I still wanted her back. So I did the best thing that I thought I could for her. Faded from her life so as not to become a destructive influence. Who knows it may have worked out. I faded from her life because I loved her. (still do) So, she pops back up into my life last night and this re-awakens feelings in me that I put to rest. So I am in a position of Past, present, and future loves. Hence the weird feelings that I am in. Stopping this so I don't become broody.
The other thing that has happened in my life is I am a new homeowner. I recently purchased with my wife a large house for realitively inexpensive cost. Go me and my wife for good shopping. This is a neccessary thing if I am going to have children. I promised myself long ago, before my first lover even, that if I was going to have kids that I wanted to be a homeowner and in a stable fininacial position in life. I am somewhat financial stable and a homeowner now. This is good as my wife has said that she wants kids. Plural. Me I would be fine with one child. Personally, I don't care if I have kids or not. This to me is bringing a new life into this world and it scares me to no end that I would be responsible for this new life. My mom has already said that I would make a good dad, so I beleive that I will have a child. I am just getting my wife and I settled with our finances so that kids can become a reality. I worry about the costs involved in child raising too. Petty, I know in the face of being 1/2 responsible for a miricle but I want to do the best for all of my loved ones. A new life is a big step and babies scare me a bit as they can't talk to me and tell me what they want. So that is currently what is going on in my life. More to come later. Possibly.
Dave
