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Ok, belaboring and being long winded on an issue I personally have. But hey, this is Live Journal. Don't want to read it don't.
It has come to my attention that many people misunderstand how my friendship morals work.
Generally, I am a helpful person. Generous to a hazardous fault is what my wife describes me as.
Yet, I still have some problems with people not understanding my sometimes distancing behavior. This is generally a defense mechanism. I try to be a good friend when I feel that I am friends with someone. Friendship is a mutual thing. It also should be balanced. I find that I like helping people and in particular friends out. In my mind this is what friends do. In general if someone is your friend then they will reciprocate with helping you out in turn. This is with out financial compensation. If both people are friends then it evens out. Generally in the case of labor it is a kind thing or expected in some cases for the person to further sweeten the deal by buying pizza and beer (or soda) at a reasonable amount as a meal if the labor is more than an hour or so, or goes over a mealtime. Reasonable assumption.
I find it difficult when I help someone out then when I have a need it is required to have financial compensation, yet when I previously helped out there was none. The point where it becomes a financial transaction it is no longer paying back a previous favor unless you are offering the same type of financial compensation as you once demanded. If this happens several times then the relationship is not a friendship, it becomes a user relationship.
I have been in a few situations like this before. I hate being used for my helpful nature and having my tolerance abused. I have ended communications with a few "Friends" for them doing this. One group of long time friends described me as a doormat. This was due to my extreme tolerance and my way of avoiding drama. I hate the description and it was also due to me being abused and them not seeing me get angry at it. In truth, I was waiting to see if the situation would get better. I have been improving my ability to see when my friendship is being abused and cutting off those helpful tendencies and bringing the relationship back down from friendship to associate or something less than friendship to prevent being abused. I fight with that and my "Generous to a self destructive fault" attitude that my wife says I have. The war within me goes on between what is right and how I should be treated and what I feel is acceptable "friend" behavior and the desire not to be as previously described as a doormat. A description that I hate applied to myself. So much so that I do take great pains not to treat people that way and actually expect people to give as they get, like I do. If help, such as labor is given as a favor without asking for financial compensation it is reasonable to ask for the same type of service to be given in return with out financial compensation. That is part of being a friend. When it doesn't happen it is not only disappointing but if repeated, insulting.
I also find it rather insulting that if you consider someone a friend and they seem to consider you a friend and then state later that you are NOT their friend but were pretending to be so in order to get something from you then that is morally wrong and rather selfish.
What is worse that when friendship that is readily given from me and isn't returned in kind, I have a tendency to withdraw and wait to see if they will return in kind. During that time I do remain social but usually if it is not returned after several opportunities then I am given to believe that the "friendship" is merely one way and it is a "me give and they take" situation with no equality. A part of me sees my withdraw as a way to protect myself and to wait to see if the favor previously rendered may be paid back in another manor. It is frustrating when people don't see it. I am a Libra and equality or balance is important.
If this sounds like it is dodging the issue it is not they way I wish to be.
It is also rather difficult to deal with a situation when you believe that you have been slighted or mistreated and they don't see it. It is also not my policy/place to ask for an apology when I feel that I justly deserve one, especially when it is apparent that the person that should doesn't believe that anything is wrong or that they should give you an apology for behavior that by your morals is unacceptable. Some people do see the world as owing them or treat friends as people to have fun with but also to use and not reciprocate or even feel the need. What drives me nuts is when they feel slighted by someone objecting to being used and don't help by omission as it is a continuance of being used. The difficult part is that they don't see their own behavior as unacceptable and don't recognize it when mirrored back to them. It is far easier to cut someone out of your life than to see something that you wouldn't like in yourself. Also, one cannot help someone else out if you are sick and don't get the message in time. Life happens. A general call for help is different than a direct from a phone call asking to help if you can. If the balance is too heavy on my side of helping, I am reluctant to help, although it kills me not to. It is a defense mechanism designed to protect me from the vast number of abuser out there. I have been abused many times before and I am trying to be more mature and honest with myself.
When evaluating friendship, it is important to take into your actions as well as the person you are friends with. I have made such evaluations and have found that I have very few friends and a few associates. It becomes hard when those you consider friends do not share your same morals on the issue and don't even understand your point of view or even seem to want your friendship. When your friendship is not wanted then it is time to withdraw. I hate being where I am not wanted. It has been a depressing realization that some people that I have previously considered friends don't want my friendship and even seem to feel slighted by me due to my not wanting to be abused. Of course, they don't necessarily see it this way. I tend to over-think things and realize that others don't especially when very emotional. I spent some time thinking about myself and my feelings and "boiling it down" so to speak to analyze how I fee. I am sad not to be included in the lives that I have considered friends but friendship is a relationship that you can't force and deserves to be respected as much as a love bond does. Is not friendship a form of love?
But I digress into depression on what I see as my loss and a tragic misunderstanding or loss of communication. Not only that but apathy on others part in correcting the misunderstanding because they wish not to be hurt. Ah well. Life goes on. I am an open person, to know my feelings I would hope that all someone need to do is ask. I can't volunteer often as it is obnoxious to share feelings and onions with out it being promted. Respect for personal mental space and all. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
These are my opinions and feelings and my point of view, not meant to be taken as writ or fact. Just my thought process.
David Forby.
