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On the nature of love and relationships
Mar. 22nd, 2004 08:12 pmRecently events in my life have promoted me to think very hard on how I feel about Love and Relationships.
First a Little background for those that don't know me:
( Background Tid Bits )
Anyway, that is the background.
Recently an event with my wonderful wife (by handfasting and not know to the government yet, still on our year and a day) caused a painful realization on love.
I wont go into the event as the names and situation has been changed to protect the guilty and the hurt. Sufice to say that it got me thinking about Love. Love as a concept and a reality and the entanglements of relationships. Especially the relationships of real polyamorous person.
( First Polyamory )
I belive that any given individual devotes their live/love/ultimate trust to only one person. This is their center and your Partner. Your Companion and Partner. It is to hard to give this focus to more than one person. There becomes too many divided loyalties. That is a recipie to rip your own heart apart when you are forced to choose between the two. So Ideally you have your Main Companion that you give much power to. You give them the power to make you happy and sad. They have the power to veto your relationships with others. Not that they exercise that power but they do. They are your center. By the same token you have that same power over them. With this power comes faith and responsibility. As the old saying goes "With Great Power, comes Great Responsibility". But it equals out in the end.
So you have your First.
Next comes ones that you love romantically and love as freinds. These people you trust as a lover and it is understood that push comes to shove you choose your primary over them. Faith and Trust in your first and trust in their other is needed for that secondary relationship to work.
In exploring polyamory many pitfalls are to be had. Mostly your love for your primay needs to be strong. For me their is no greater love. My wife is a part of me and it would be like removal of a major body part to even think of that love dying.
Sex is just a physical act that is neccessiary for all humans. Yes it is a need for reproduction but also need of a human to keep their sanity. And to keep their Hearts alive in a scary hormonal time of life (mostly from pre-puberty to near-sanility). Sex can happen by yourself or preferably with a partner. Some people have multiple partners. But in the end it just has to do with physicality and passion. Now "Making Love" imply adding into sex much love and emotion. In a polyamourous relationship the person or persons in the relationship make love more often than having sex. Idealy. Now sometimes you want just a good fuck. There are many definitions of the differing forms of sexual intercourse.
Anyway, With your Primary you make certian rules that are designed to protect the sancicity of your primary relationship and make sure it remains "Special" to you and your primary. Sometimes these rules are actually broken. By Ill thought or no thought or even by design. If it is by design then the Primary setup is broken. Over, no more quarters. Try again if you wish. If it is by accident then their is still a chance of repairing the relationship. Depending on the infraction and the remorse of the breaking parties. It breaks the trust but trust can usually be earned back. This takes time sometimes. Maybe more later. Running out of time on posting.
Sufice to say my wife broke one of our rules, I have forgiven her and the other party involved. To me it was obvious to fogive her. Not to do so is ending the relationship. Once the desision is made you can then decide what is repentance. What will make up for it. Once that criteria is fullfilled you can then build the trust back. Once earned back the relation ship can progress back to poly rather than monogomous due to trust issues. Being an empath I find it hard to endure other's pain when I can do something about it.
So, That said, Me and my wife have worked things out, I have forgiven her and she is on the way to earning the trust back. I have forgiven the other party involved too. I dearly hope that my wife can forgive herself soon. I feel that she is torturing herself and doing so somewhat unneccissarily. We each have to face our demons. Love goes on. Hopefully if I break her trust I will be able to gain forgiveness from her and be able to forgive myself. We each are humans and sometimes fall from grace. Welcome to life.
Hope you all enjoyed my incomplete ramblings, maybe I'll ramble later.
Dave
First a Little background for those that don't know me:
( Background Tid Bits )
Anyway, that is the background.
Recently an event with my wonderful wife (by handfasting and not know to the government yet, still on our year and a day) caused a painful realization on love.
I wont go into the event as the names and situation has been changed to protect the guilty and the hurt. Sufice to say that it got me thinking about Love. Love as a concept and a reality and the entanglements of relationships. Especially the relationships of real polyamorous person.
( First Polyamory )
I belive that any given individual devotes their live/love/ultimate trust to only one person. This is their center and your Partner. Your Companion and Partner. It is to hard to give this focus to more than one person. There becomes too many divided loyalties. That is a recipie to rip your own heart apart when you are forced to choose between the two. So Ideally you have your Main Companion that you give much power to. You give them the power to make you happy and sad. They have the power to veto your relationships with others. Not that they exercise that power but they do. They are your center. By the same token you have that same power over them. With this power comes faith and responsibility. As the old saying goes "With Great Power, comes Great Responsibility". But it equals out in the end.
So you have your First.
Next comes ones that you love romantically and love as freinds. These people you trust as a lover and it is understood that push comes to shove you choose your primary over them. Faith and Trust in your first and trust in their other is needed for that secondary relationship to work.
In exploring polyamory many pitfalls are to be had. Mostly your love for your primay needs to be strong. For me their is no greater love. My wife is a part of me and it would be like removal of a major body part to even think of that love dying.
Sex is just a physical act that is neccessiary for all humans. Yes it is a need for reproduction but also need of a human to keep their sanity. And to keep their Hearts alive in a scary hormonal time of life (mostly from pre-puberty to near-sanility). Sex can happen by yourself or preferably with a partner. Some people have multiple partners. But in the end it just has to do with physicality and passion. Now "Making Love" imply adding into sex much love and emotion. In a polyamourous relationship the person or persons in the relationship make love more often than having sex. Idealy. Now sometimes you want just a good fuck. There are many definitions of the differing forms of sexual intercourse.
Anyway, With your Primary you make certian rules that are designed to protect the sancicity of your primary relationship and make sure it remains "Special" to you and your primary. Sometimes these rules are actually broken. By Ill thought or no thought or even by design. If it is by design then the Primary setup is broken. Over, no more quarters. Try again if you wish. If it is by accident then their is still a chance of repairing the relationship. Depending on the infraction and the remorse of the breaking parties. It breaks the trust but trust can usually be earned back. This takes time sometimes. Maybe more later. Running out of time on posting.
Sufice to say my wife broke one of our rules, I have forgiven her and the other party involved. To me it was obvious to fogive her. Not to do so is ending the relationship. Once the desision is made you can then decide what is repentance. What will make up for it. Once that criteria is fullfilled you can then build the trust back. Once earned back the relation ship can progress back to poly rather than monogomous due to trust issues. Being an empath I find it hard to endure other's pain when I can do something about it.
So, That said, Me and my wife have worked things out, I have forgiven her and she is on the way to earning the trust back. I have forgiven the other party involved too. I dearly hope that my wife can forgive herself soon. I feel that she is torturing herself and doing so somewhat unneccissarily. We each have to face our demons. Love goes on. Hopefully if I break her trust I will be able to gain forgiveness from her and be able to forgive myself. We each are humans and sometimes fall from grace. Welcome to life.
Hope you all enjoyed my incomplete ramblings, maybe I'll ramble later.
Dave