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"...and so it begings.." (first post not behind cut on purpose)
I have this quote from Babylon 5 going through my head. The reason: I have discovered or rather come to a descion. I have been feeling "off" lately. You know something nagging like you are missing something. Or rather you have lost something of yourself along the path of life. Like say, Your path. It was very hard for me to track down and very hard for me to figure out. I think that my wife has been suspecting it too. She has spent the evening with a friend, as it turns out a friend in need, and given me this time for contemplation and thought in a house alone. I would like to think that I have put the time to good use. Hence, the discovery that I am missing something, something that is vital to me. What could that be? Well, I have missed, Me. Please bear with me this is very hard to articulate.
In some ways I am unhappy with my life. I have been feeling that I have lost some sort of zest for life or will for it or something. Don't get me wrong, I have many things to be thankful for. In some ways more than some of my friends do and yet I envy some of my friends and their lives or aspects of their lives. I will get into this a bit more later. I have discovered that I miss me and don't really have much of an idea who me is. I know more about me than most people in my life and I also know more about who I am than quite a lot of people out there but I have lost some aspect of me or a perpspective of me. Confused yet, well I was too. As you can see I have been thinking about this a lot. I am a bit of a thinker although most of my friends can out think me and also think faster than me.
One could say that I am jumping to my mid-centry crisis early. I refuse to call it mid-life as I have not even reached my first centry yet and believe that I will live to be 1000 years old. Yes, that is one thousand years old, to spell it out. This is an illogical timeframe for most people to comprehend but hey it is good to have goals. I figure that I live slowly enough to handle it and I know that I am strong of will. Not to mention the medical avances that I will see in my "lifetime" will be amazing. I digress and babble. As an old joke that a few friends of mine will get: "Pants!! moving on."
So embarking on a new path in life always starts with reviewing what has been in the past. Ha, the future is the past and the past is the future. Ok, enough. So first up is a quest of where I have been. That comes after a short description of some things I see that are Me now.
Me: no real defintions. Some items: I am physically a large or rather fat person of around 300 pounds. I am of moderate looks, some would say unattractive, some would say attractive. I am no Brad Pitt or other dazzling attractive person. I know I am going to get hit for that as my wife hates it when I talk little of myself. I have indetermintly colored eyes that if more than one girlfriend can be trusted change colors to my mood and vary in intensity. I usually settle on Hazel although most have noted gold flecks in them as well as many other colors. I have depressingly ordinary brown hair, which I have grown to the middle of my back to please my wife and others even though that the hair is rather thin and straight. So I don't have the fabio look. I have bushy eyebrows that I like as one of my heros is Albert Eineinstein. Even though I can't spell his name and don't truely know much about his life or his science and a little about his mindset and humor. The weight is mostly centered in a pot belly that I have truely had since I was about 8 years old. I have a single tattoo on my left sholder and arm. Short sleeve shirt will cover it, if need be. I am not exceptionally strong and do indeed slouch. I am 5 foot 11 inches when I don't slouch and 5 foot 10 or 9 1/2 when I do slouch. I have a frame that has been described as barrel chested and a prescence that has scared one of my longest female friends in the past, with out meaning to. My demeanor is quite. I think that some of my audience is now asleep. Time to go on to items of a mental nature. Subject to change. I try my best to be intellegent and succeed more so than most of the people that are around me, at least those that I don't call friend. I think and babble to much sometimes. I can't sing and am essentially tone deaf with out actually being tone deaf. I consider myself above average in intellegence and cleverness. Not really saying much considering what we have for role models these days, especially if you compare recent and current presidents and thier antics. I am generally good with people and seem to rise above "Drama" and don't seem to be affected by it. I have been known to calm people down and be the preverbial rock emotionally speaking. I know that many of my friends would be seriously shaken if I suddenly flipped out. I am a loyal friend and don't truely know how to fall out of love. Although, I admit in one circumstance my love for another has been twisted into hatred. The only individual that I could truely say that I hated. I am genours to a fault at times and tight fisted when I feel shaky or threatened. My sense of timing is usally good. I also have an unsual luck that is not related to finances, unfortunately. Hmm, running out of things to type at this point. Possibly went into babbling again. Ok, here goes.
I have some wonderful people in my life, a good job, a large but not huge house and a wife that loves me as unquestioningly as I love her. Yes, hon, I am certian of this. I also have a future. I am not sure where that future is going but I sense it.
Since this is a quest that I am setting myself on, The Quest for ME, I will be going over my past and my beliviefs and I may use real names but will attempt to put future posts behind a LJ cut. I believe what I have been missing most is my ambition and my fire, my passion if you will. I am passionate about a lot of things but I have sensed that the flames of passion have died down to embers. Things that I have not been focusing on in too long it is shameful is my spiritual path, not even propperly defined yet, and my art, which is part of my spiritual path, I suppose. So I will more than likely be re-discovering that too. To look properly at the past to define what I am now and what I am going to be will take a while. I have decided to go through a sort of chronological order of my life and associations and events, This I will attempt to be as complete and as honest as possible, given what my perspective is now. Possibly intermixed in with it will be what is going on with my quest now. hopefully in seperate posts to delineate now from past. As I stated, I will be using names but will try not to use full names of the people that are current in my life. I will also be attempting to keep secrets out of it all and be putting things behind LJ cuts. Many of you may be resentful of this initial post throwing up on your flist. Sorry for this initial intrusion. What follows is my life. Usually only an open book for those that ask it of me.
So, to start off with my first memory that I carry conciously:
My first memory I believe is me sitting on my father's lap on sort of a park bench type of thing with a bar up in front that is a stearing rudder. My brother next to my father. I can tell that I am on a pond or lake. My father lets me stear and I remember exclamations that I was stearing us into the lilly pads. They let me stear and took control back from me on the exclimations. I suppose it is because a paddle boat can get real caught up in lilly pads and it would have stranded us. Oh, another odd thing about this memory is that it is in black and white. Isn't that odd? I asked my mother about the memory when I was a teenager. She said that she was supprised that I remember that far back as I was only 18 months. No wonder it was in black and white. I may have an earlier memory as a baby crying on a queen sized bed with out sheets next to another baby doing the same thing but that may have just been my imagination.
So there you have it. My first memory that I am certian of. At 18 months. Already the world shapes me. At 18 months it would have been around 1971 to 1972. I was born September 24th on 1970 in Hammond, Indiana. A suburb of Chicago, I believe.
That is all for tonight.
Dave
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Just had to say... that man is OMGHOLYSHITSCARY.
Good luck in finding you. :)
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I would like to remind you about the ansting that I did in the limo right before our wedding.
I love you.
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Good luck finding yourself and your spirit path.
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